My sister is on the last disk of the Twin Peaks box set I lent her and she’s asked whether “anything will be answered?”
I don’t know if there is such a thing as a perfect film but I do believe there is such a thing as the perfect scene in a film and that scene is the car chase in The Raid 2
Wait, remind me - How many bottles of wine do doctors recommend you drink a day?
The last relationship I had ended about four years ago. It has been on my mind a lot lately because, well, four years is a long fucking time to be single. It causes a guy to think, y’know. And so I’ve thinking about the last girlfriend I had and the one before her and before all that the weird, overly dramatic non-definable relationships you slip-and-slide between when you’re fifteen, sixteen.
In my memories I am an idiot and a dick but the type of idiotic dick who believed he held a certain undue sway over these girls’ emotions, so much so when it came to the crunch he believed he was setting them “free” when things finally ended.
I know this is not the truth - it a bullshit, masculine, quasi-martyrdom narrative imposed on what was essentially extended periods of time in which I treated other people like shit because I didn’t know how to actually admit, either to myself or them, that I cared for them. That doesn’t mean that the relationships were right or even functional - but it does mean I acted in the wrong manner.
(Breif aside: If there are people out there who see such a front in their significant others I would never presume to instruct you to break up with such a person although if you reading this and recognise such fantasies about yourself I would recommend you shut the fuck up and start acting like a human being sooner rather than, I don’t know, four years later?)
So consumed with such bullshit and a keen awareness of said bullshit, I thought I had lost the truth. This evening, however, I found a glint of it. I went looking for an e-mail I received for my last ex, the last contact I had with her. I came across the e-mail - to be specific, a copy of the e-mail I sent in response- in my sent box. Thankfully the move from Hotmail to Outlook preserved such a historical treasure.
In my memories her e-mail had been a revisionist take on our relationship, in which the causes and topics of certain arguments were revealed to be not as I had believed them to be. The tone of her e-mail is quite plainly bitter but looking back I realise that does not mean she was wrong in any way and that
maybedefinitely I had been wrong about certain things, something I am sure seemed like an extreme POV to myself at the time.
Indeed, I know from my reply that I did not entertain any such theories about relativity in disputes or, the big taboo, me being incorrect. It is my reply which feels the most relevant to me now; the response is frozen solid with a type of brute coldness I do not recognise in myself at all but I fear is lurking just beneath the surface.
Her e-mail, I feel, can read as a historic document from a time when my life was entangled with someone else’s to the point she eventually felt compelled to say horrible - although not necessarily incorrect - things about me.
I considered for a brief, stupid second posting the e-mail - and my reply - but I realised that four years distance and the fact we have not had a single bit of contact in the time since is not enough to stop it being a pretty obvious dick-move, as the kids like to say.
But I know that the e-mail is out there, somewhere, so at times like this when wrapped in thoughts about why I don’t have a girlfriend now I can re-read it and, at the very least, understand quite clearly why I ended up without one then.
So I’ve finally finished Infinite Jest and yes it is a true, neuron-scrambling masterpiece but I do have one question about the plot - so the cops knew Internal Affairs was setting them up?
Friendly reminder that as it’s April 1st not to believe anything anyone says or does. Also, good advice for rest of the year too.
Anonymous asked: Yr cute
Which one of you got drunk and sent me this? Love you anyway xxx